How to Die

Instructor: "Ahh, welcome back to our ‘How to Die’ class. Remember to invite your friends and family because, as we all know, you never know when Death herself is going to creep up on you. Ha." Chuckles. "Anyways, today we are continuing working on our final words. I’ll come around and see how you guys are coming along."

Instructor: "'Sex.' Hmm… I like how provocative and bold you are. However, you might want to lengthen it a bit."

Instructor: “Whoa, whoa… A whole paragraph?! You’ll be long dead before you read the eighth line, and people will never understand what you were trying to say. This is your one chance someone will listen to you completely. Your life will have been a complete waste!!”

Instructor: “‘Solve problems as they arise, for I have not, and I have failed.’ Umm. I’m all for teaching your kids lessons, but that should be done before you’re on your deathbed. In fact, how about right now? Also, when everybody is celebrating your life, I don’t recommend reminding them you have done nothing with it.”

Instructor: “No, no, no. This sounds far too rehearsed! It’s supposed to seem as ‘natural’ as possible!”

Instructor: “Ahh, a raised hand. How admirable.”

Me: “Mr. Livingston, what will your last words be?”

Instructor: “Excellent question, although I don’t recommend modeling yours after mine. Mine will be ‘Finally!’ When you have spent all your life preparing for this moment, you haven’t appreciated life to the point where you realize the significance of its passing.”

I walked out of the class. I had no time to prepare for death.

I was too busy living.